Tom Leykis hosts a "shock jock" radio show that I listen to everyday on my way home from work. On the surface, Leykis seems to be nothing more than chauvinist bent on demeaning women and celebrating all the things we've been brought up to think are bad. Digging a little deeper, however, he's still a chauvinist, but he's pretty honest and consistent in his positions, and there is so much I think if presented a little differently (something he himself often does in debates with callers therapeutically) it's tough to disagree with him. Now, it's both edifying and frustrating for me to listen to him. I don't really want to get into personal details online, but I'm in the transition between a single life where I pretty much believe "anything goes" and family life. Most people seem to just assume family life is where it's at. But all you have to do is look around a little bit and it's clear that family life is by and large, just as much of a failure as any other kind of life. And I think, it's highly mistaken to believe that family life is the one and only true source of possible happiness and fulfillment or to find fulfillment in anything else is bad, and should make one feel guilty. It would apparently, given the number of broken homes, be better for a lot of people out there to abstain from marriage and family altogether, much in the same way others should abstain from alcohol and drugs. And I think Tom's message, cynical as it may come across, is a message of hope for a lot of guys who can't get the indoctrinations of the white picket fence out of their head on their own. Contrary to what church tries to tell us, Hollywood is as obsessed with "family life" as the reigning paradigm for fulfillment every bit as much as religion is. But family life, let's face it, just isn't for everyone.
For Leykis, the lifestyle he teaches and the typical alternative of family life are either/or propositions. What he's trying to get you to do I think more than anything, is to be honest about your choices. I hate to invoke Kierkegaard here, but I can't help think of the aesthete and the religious, and the lack of grounding outside of personal choice to make either meaningful. Leykis' counsels also, strangely, remind me of Mormon thinker Hugh Nibley, who influenced me greatly prior to my wholesale apostasy from religion. Nibley often worked out his politics in terms of oppositions such as the "Sophic" vs. "Mantic" (roughly reason vs. revelation) or "Zion" vs. "Babylon." But as a religious man and intellectual anti-intellectual, Nibley didn't per se, put the life of faith above reason, but rather emphasized the two were diametrically opposed ways of looking at the world that simply don't understand one another. Even within his diatribes against the evils of "Babylon," he's willing to admit that the worldly life is fulfilling for those who live it. Where Nibley concedes a problem is in mixing the two together. Misery isn't living in Babylon, misery is living in Zion, with one foot in Babylon. The Sophic worldview isn't a lost cause either, but the dishonest deviations found in "sophistry" are. Tom Leykis, in a similar way, doesn't preach against marriage and kids as so many misunderstand him to do. Rather, he teaches that you can't have both worlds, you have to pick one or the other, and then must live what you pick like there's no tommorow. The problem is that people want the freedom of being unmarried but are too lonely, so they get married. Or married people like the stability of family life, but they are too career oriented and so get divorced. Leykis realizes millions of years of evolution make a settled-down committed relationship difficult to achieve given our biological urges. People think all too lightly that they can simply lose themselves in love and wholesale ignore the calls of nature to "get it on," not realizing what they thought was love was merely one of those fleeting urges in disguise.
Often callers who only grasp the most inflammatory aspects of Tom's message seek approval for cheating on their spouses, thinking they'll get a pat on the back. But that's never the case. If you love your wife or husband, but you just need a little "fix" on the side, for him, it's too bad. Because ultimately it won't work and will lead to far more misery than braving the temptation or getting divorced and then giving in. Sometimes a caller will emphasize the great sex their spouse gives but this never impresses Tom, because the reason to get married is for the "emotional fulfillment" and if one's concern is focused so much on sex, then the options will always be better in a unmarried situation, and that fact will be a pressure in breaking the marriage. So as you listen, you're forced to recognize just how much you're predisposed to envy the lifestyle that Tom lives, and that there is really, an attractive and fulfilling choice with a support group that doesn't involve the white picket fence. So if you want the white picket fence, you better know what you're getting into and you must really want it. Of course, the converse is also true. Living Tom's lifestyle isn't a walk in the park either, there are another completely different set of challenges and sacrifices involved. But essentially, for him, you've got to take up the life you've chosen and refrain from the temptation to slip up and try to do both - because that's what's going to take your life from boring - if that's the problem - to miserable. On one occasion, a caller phoned in to tell Tom that he had a great job as a lawyer making a lot of money and that, since his college days, now being in his mid-thirties, he's slept with at least 300 women. He's wondering now if maybe he should settle down. What's there left to do? Does he just continue to make money and sleep with more women? The logic here is, I've lived the bachelor's dream, now it's time for something else. I got the feeling the caller would think Tom would be impressed enough with his exploits to say, "Hey man, you excelled in my teachings, you are a model student and have nothing to prove, feel free to retire and find the love of your life." But Tom didn't say that, he instructed the caller that he's living the life, and should in fact continue to do so. Sleep with 300 more women. Continue to make more money. The caller was a bit confused and at the end of the conversation basically said, "Oh, ok. Well thanks, I guess I'll just continue on." The wisdom was subtle. Hundreds of millions of years of evolution which says to spread the seed, and fifteen years or more of putting that message into practice, and what are the chances this caller is going to walk into a lifelong relationship? Chances are, he'll find someone, settle down and have a couple of kids, and then in a few years cheat, lose his family and most of his money, and then be miserable. Tom knows, he's fallen 4 times. The answer from religion of course would be, "He's looking for something real, can't you see that? Can't you see he might be ready for the real joy found in the gospel of Jesus?"
But after 300 women, see, he's already chosen his life. He's already demonstrated, to the nth degree, what he really wants. Any life choice will include moments of indecision and times of boredom and feeling like everything is repeating. Is he going to feel any different after changing diapers for 1000th time? Or after having his wife nagging at him to take the garbage out? The odds are, he won't last. His best bet is to embrace the life he's already constructed and move on to 301. Yes, the religious answer would emphasize what Christ might do for him - might do for him. Maybe, one time out of a hundred? Or a thousand? People do make radical life changes and find fulfillment, but it's an exception to the rule. And it actually works both ways. I know a guy who was rich, had the model family, and a respectable church position, and left at least the first two for a one-night stand. And it appears now many years after the fact that he's never been happier. People who are cut out for it even get bored in family life, and think maybe they need to move on to some quick fix for excitement. One in a thousand times it will work. Anyway, So that's my long introduction to Leykis. Since I'll never call in and argue with the other guests, I can get it off my chest here.
